Building Self-Esteem in Boys

In a culture so heavily driven by advertising, social media, sports and peer pressure, it may be more challenging than ever to nurture a boy’s self-esteem.  There can be a tremendous amount of pressure on boys to feel like they are measuring up to the, often, conflicting definitions of what it means to be a man.  Parents face growing and unique difficulties in raising young men who are physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. 

Let your son know that you are his biggest fan. It has been said that it takes eleven positive statements for a child to overcome one critical one.  By offering an environment where the positive acknowledgements far outweigh the corrections, you are helping your son develop a well-balanced image of himself.  Praise his efforts and achievements, focusing on specific behaviors rather than general statements. This helps him understand what he did well.  You can then add in any corrective feedback, being careful not to overly exaggerate your point and nullify your praise.  This will also help him learn to recognize his own positive qualities and to have a reasonable perspective when faced with the criticism of others.

Developing new skills is an important way of feeling capable, competent and worthwhile.  Do not be afraid to let him try something new, even if it is not something you would choose.  Be conscientious of suggesting and encouraging without pressuring him to make the choices you want him to make.  Explore new interests with him and help him find those where he excels.  Genuine enthusiasm for something will have a great deal more impact on his self-esteem than doing something simply to please someone else.

Encourage his unique qualities.  Communicate to him that it is okay not to travel with the pack. Allow him to make choices and decisions appropriate for his age. This fosters a sense of responsibility and self-reliance.  Take the time to talk through his choices with him, asking about the process he used to reach his decision.  This helps him understand more about what he was thinking and gives you the opportunity to brag on what he did well or point out issues he may have not considered. 

Help him set achievable goals and recognize progress, even if it’s small. Unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration and a sense of failure.  Avoid embarrassing him in front of his peers or family by giving any corrective criticism in private, whenever possible.  Also, be aware of your own motivations for the expectations you have: Are you wanting something for your son because it’s a good fit for him, his interests and desires, or because it will reflect well on you, instead.

Model ways to press through adversity.  When we readily convey frustration or the expectation that goals should come easily in our own lives, we set our boys up for frequent disappointment and a tendency to give up too soon. You can model the importance of persevering through challenges or adjusting goals in a healthy way as circumstances change.  Pressing through adversity is an essential life skill for achieving meaningful goals later in life.  Emphasize how important it is to put forth the effort over outcome barriers and keep moving forward.

Make your home and your relationship with your son safe and supportive.  Be open to listening to his struggles without judging.  This will give you the opportunity to teach him to think critically about the circumstances he faces and lessen the pressure to make certain decisions out of fear of being ridiculed, not fitting in or being deemed a failure. When we give the impression that he is only loveable when he meets our expectations, he may not only feel that he has failed when he does not accomplish a goal, but he may also conclude that he is worthless, as well.

Encourage boys to build relationships and social skills.  Interacting with others is key to learning to have healthy relationships later in life.  Learning to establish connections that occur in real-life, not just online, is essential to helping boys avoid the social isolation that many men experience. Social support is important for self-esteem, so help them learn positive social skills and the ability to take criticism in stride.  This will help them learn to work through relationship conflict, rather than ending an important relationship over simple disagreements or minor offenses.

Teach them to communicate. Because boys tend to be less verbally expressive than girls, they often do not know how to identify, express or navigate emotions.  Giving them opportunities to safely think through circumstances and emotions teaches them to recognize emotional needs of themselves and others, while balancing healthy emotions with making positive choices.  By creating a safe environment, you can help your son learn that emotions don’t have to be debilitating and teach him how to appropriately work through them.

Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama.